I'm almost homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey :)

Stuck here at Starbucks with so many different personalities around me talking loudly, laughter all around, and Christmas songs playing I wish I could enjoy. I'm here trying to get this presentation done however my mind much rather be in another place. Distractions surround my life, I just can't wait til all those distractions turn into something I can use rather then just dwell on. My life does not consist of sadness. My life consist of content and happyness which I have lost. Yes as a person I use to be I am deteriorating into a person who I do not like at all. I've lose control of my personality, my being, and the people around me. I miss me being so energetic and just being my silly self without worrying about a single thing. I never used to be so I'm disappointed with what I've become and what I wish not to continue to be. I lost who I've been as well. I lost the person that means the most to me, is me. Yeah, I need to help myself be who I used to be, that happy outgoing girl who careless if she was a goof. I've been thinking about everything that makes my head want to explode when really I don't have to. I can't waste time being this person I transition into in such a negative way. I keep telling myself say positive, even when times are at its all time low, at least have that little light let you know everything is going to be fine if you let it be. I'll be fine eventually, please let me be me again, that's all I want.

Out of my League -Neyo

I needed new shoes, I got both of these at Urban for 100 dollars for both. Not bad, for two shoes that I definitely could use. I want to dress up more. I feel like I kind of have the need to since I'm majoring in Fashion, but what can I say I'm human and I like sweats. At the same time, I need to professionally represent myself to impress. Dress to impress, its such a true statement. Honestly, its not how much money you have or how much clothes you have in your closet, its how you wear it. Sometimes I don't feel to confident in what I wear and I know partially its because I'm uncomfortable with my body sometimes, but I know how to hide what's not cute. I shouldn't have the need to find clothes to hide things I feel is unattractive to my body. Yeah, I know I haven't really been watching my weight lately and not being healthy about myself again. I hate that I have on and off cycles, it sucks that I can't feel motivated anymore. I remember why I was so motivated before, I reached my breaking point of what was considered overweight. I remember at 150 pounds was not the business what so ever and I don't know how I even let myself get that big, I felt like a guy. It was not a cute look nor will I want to look like that again. I'm going to guess that I'm still at the weight of 135, and I need to lose 15 pounds to be my ideal weight. I know I can do it, I lost 15 pounds before, what's another 15 to it? I just need motivation again, and the thing is I did it all by myself before so I will be able to do it again. I am going to get there.

I need to get a hold of myself. My jealousy is turning into a bad habit and it needs to stop, seriously. I know I'm really not like this, but it's become apart of me now and I wanna get rid of this bad habit. I just need to stop it as much as I can to feel better. Quit it, gerlyn. Quit being so unneccesarily jealous now before it gets any worse.

I never knew about that blog til today. But no one knows about where I'm coming from.
Forget it, its enough honestly it is. Everything has been said and done, accept what it is for what it is. No matter how much I fight it. I'll be okay, I promise myself it. I'll learn from my mistakes and know that next time I won't do it again. I had my wrongs, but I feel I've had my rights though also. I can't torture myself anymore with this. I need to see the bigger picture in my life. I know everything is going to be hard now but later on it'll become better, I promise.

I can say so much right now, but all I have to say is that this is the time I need to concentrate on myself, I need to catch up with me becoming the person I want to be. Everything is a learning experience and I know that I will become more understanding and have a better outcome with everything that I go through. I need to give my heart a rest for a while. I need to let it rest to figure out everything that is going on in my new life. This isn't the time to concentrate on a relationship now I realize. Love can wait. I just want you to know that even though I fell in love with you for a short period of time, I felt as if I loved you as if we known each other forever and I cannot get over the fact of how close we became. You became my bestfriend. And with all the things that happened regardless I still love you. I wish it wasn't the way it was but what can both of us do. I'm going to accept it and move forward and the future only yet has so many surprises for me, I'll take everyday as a precious moment that I will never forget. Just like with you. I love you and I hope everything will be better for you. I know it will.

Shoulda Let You Go -Keyshia Cole

"Throwback"

[Just Blaze]

Real talk. Usher, Just Blaze.

[Usher]

Oh!
Oh ho!
(Mmm you gonna want me back)
(The last words she said to me now I'm wishing she was still here wit me)
(You know your gonna need me)
And now that day's here, ya man gotta shed tears.
(Mmm you gonna want me back)

You never miss a good thing till it leaves ya
Finally I realized that I need ya
I want ya back
Baby girl I need ya back
Gotta have ya back, babe
Heartbroken when you left my world
Man I wish I woulda kept my girl
I love you
I don't know what I'm gon do without my baby

It's driving me crazy (It's driving me crazy)
'Cause I'm missing my baby (Missing my baby)
I'm goin' out of my mind and I'm runnin' out of time
Oh I just wish I could find you, girl
Said I'm about to go crazy (About to go crazy)
'Cause I been needin' you lately (Needing you lately)
I'm goin' outta my head and all the things that I said
I wish that I never said them now

Aww baby
What you say now?
(Your gonna want me back)
And still I want you, want you, want you, want you, want you
Need ya babe

If I could rewind the time
And get inside ya mind
I would take back all my words
I didn't see it, I couldn't see what I was doin' babe
See baby girl I was blind
And I wish that I could try
To be the man that you deserve
Give me one chance to make it work

It's driving me crazy (It's driving me crazy)
'Cause I'm missing my baby (Missing my baby)
I'm goin' outta my mind and I'm runnin' outta time
Oh I wish I could find you girl
Said I'm about to go crazy (About to go crazy)
'Cause I been needin' you lately (Needing you lately)
I'm goin' outta my head and all the things that I said
I wish that I never said them now

(Mmm you gonna want me back)
Wish I could throw it back
I want it the way it use to be
(Your gonna need me)
(Mmm your gonna want me back)

Give me one chance to make it work!

It's driving me crazy (It's driving me crazy)
'Cause I'm missing my baby (Missing my baby)
I'm goin' outta my mind and I'm runnin' outta time
Oh I wish I could find you girl
Said I'm about to go crazy (About to go crazy)
'Cause I been needin' you lately (Needing you lately)
The love of my life but I wasn't loving you right baby

It's driving me crazy (It's driving me crazy)
'Cause I'm missing my baby (Missing my baby)
I'm goin' outta my mind and I'm runnin' outta time
Oh I wish I could find you girl
So I'm about to go crazy (About to go crazy)
'Cause I been needin' you lately (Needing you lately)
I'm goin' outta my head and all the things that I said
I wish that I never said them now

(Mmm your gonna want me back)
It's the last words she said to me
Now I'm wishing she was still here wit me
(Your gonna need me, need me one day)
And that day's here
(Mmm your gonna want me back)
And ya man gotta shed tears
I'm sittin' by the phone
Realizing she ain't ever coming home.....

I love to just eat Nutella on a spoon, its so nummy. Plus I don't have food in my apartment. I like to write although I have really bad grammatical errors. I can take off my socks with my feet and ball it up. I love to watch Disney movies to bring back memories. I love to wear sweatpants any day, I would pick them over jeans any day. I love my sleep its amazing to me. I can be very lazy yet I'm determined to get what I want. I fall and trip ALOT in the most horrific ways in public. I'm very emotional I cry at anything, but hey I have feelings. I like to pluck eyebrows, its just my thing and I'm good at it. I love love love nail polish its a beautiful thing. I like a lot of vintage clothing but I tend not to wear anything I really want to wear. I dress simpler than I really want. I hate heels, they hurt my feet. I can make a popping sound with my right big toe. When I was younger I use to have a Cindy Crawford mole. I've always been a little chubby all my life, i want to change that though, I NEED MOTIVATION! and quick! I listen to old school music that is what real music is. I want to get my nose pierced, but I think I'll regret it in the future. I miss high school especially my Dance Contempo days :( I miss dancing in general, it made me so happy. I wish I could sing, omg that would be so amazing if I did! I like to wear big baggy clothes theyre comfortable. Urban Outfitters and American Apparel are my stores, too bad their so expensive. I wish I had naturally voluminous wavy hair.

I went to church. There was no mass going on it was just me. I sat there wanting to ask God questions. I wanted him to hear me listen to what I have to say. I sat there with so many thoughts running through my head about my past, my present and my future. Thinking why do these things happen? Sometimes I feel if I was punished. I'm a humble person and it kills me that I always get stepped on. There is no median. Its either I'm a push over or a bitch nothing else. I'm a bitch being pushed over. I told Him, I know I'm not right all the time, I have my faults and I have a lot, but I never take it the wrong way. I said that He is the only one who really knows what goes through my head, He is the only one that knows everything I go through and he is the only one who understands. Sometimes I wish He was just able to tell me what I'm doing wrong sometimes, I need guidance. I need guidance right now in my life, I've been in such a drastic change in my life that I'm not used to that I still don't know how to really handle yet, but I'm getting through it. I'm trying my best to see the outcome of it. Looking at what I'm doing now is going to help me later on.

In all honesty, I haven't been genuinely happy since I got here. It's hard to wake up in the morning really just feeling miserable. Though I feel like that I have to put a smile on my face to make myself feel everything is going to be okay, when really its not. All I do is wake up, go to school, go home, sleep, eat then homework and sleep again. I have no time for myself or even to have fun. I don't have close friends here to hang out with, to talk about my day with, to actually have a real conversation with and just laugh my ass off. I haven't had that ever since I been here. I haven't had any fun. Whenever I see a family or a bunch of friends hanging out, makes me miss people I used to be so close to. I have no one close here to physically be with me just to talk. I would give anything to just have someone close just grab some coffee and talk for hours about anything. Give me a break life, sometimes I just need to breathe and smile, not fake smile, a real one. I see myself in the mirror, my face looks tired, stressed, frustrated, not like what it use to be where I would be happy right when I wake up.

I'm different now, I guess I've matured? I can't act silly anymore, I can't be myself anymore, I don't even know who myself is anymore really. I've been so caught up with everything else that surrounds my life, but never took the chance to catch up with me. Who I am is so important to me, and I seem to deteriorate everyday forgetting who I am now. i just want to reflect on what I'm here for, why the people I love, love me back, why I laugh, why I smile, reasons why I care about people, seeing that things don't always go the way you want. I have so many questions and i want them to be answered. I lose people and I gain, what matters is that I somehow made a difference in each and everyone of them. All I can do now is just let my life take me where it wants to go, who it wants me to be and before I know it I'll be happy again soon.

I haven't really been able to play with my camera, but here are a couple pictures from it.

It was cold outside today. I wanted your arms around me to feel warmth again. I walk alone here everyday, when I used to walk beside you without even thinking much about it. Sitting doing my homework but occasionally my mind unconsciously wanders with just the thought of you. I just miss you.

My dad

"Stay healthy physically and spiritually.  I am not that young anymore and my health is deteriorating.  I sometimes feel giving up, but only  feel better when I think about you and your future.  I am very tired of people not thinking about all my sacrifices and people being sarcastic.  I am not giving up for you Gerlyn and I know someday when I am gone, dad is always in your heart…. This is the most important thing in this world for me… that once the Lord let me be your father and gave you as my daughter.  You will have your own life someday…. Your own family and dad will not be here anymore, but always remember wherever I go you are here in my heart and my mind all the time."
 

"All love that has not friendship for its base, is like a mansion built upon the sand." -Ella Wheeler Wilcox

ALRIGHT ALL-NIGHTER STARTS NOW!

Happy Birthday Zac Efron :)

Nothings going to bring me down.

Haha :)

It's Friday!

Today is Friday! I definitely started my day at six in the morning. When to my Marketing class at eight. I swear I live off of coffee now, its my drug. So I get coffee so I can stay awake in my four hour class. It may seem as a four hour class is the most boringest (if that is a word, lol) time of your life, however I don't feel that way at all with my classes. I am very happy about all my classes and I am actually able to enjoy school and know that I am at the beginning of my career. Today I asked the teacher a question about a project, and I could feel that he sees potential in me with this field of work. I felt good about myself knowing that I do enjoy listening and learning about the lectures. I feel as if this is my calling. I may need to work super duper hard at it, but in the end it'd pay off.

Anywhos, after class I knocked out. Then one of my friend's Karie called me. I was so glad to hear from her since I wasn't able to see her off at the airport. The thing is we are so much alike and she is a sister to me. We talked for a while and it was so easy to just talk to her. She can relate to me in so many ways, especially because we are in similar situations. She has been through a lot and I am proud of her for what she has been through. I told her that this whole thing with the moving and school is not the easiest thing in the world. We just talked about how all we need is someone close to be there. It was such a relief that I wasnt the only I knew who was going through this. Karie said she is transferring to Seattle soon and I'm so overly excited! This girl has been there for me since the 9th grade and I'm so glad to have a friend like her. Even though were far away, we still keep in contact. I've realized that I have a lot of friends far away, but when we all come together its just like old times.

I'm grateful for the people I can trust in my life. I am blessed to have the best people in my life.

Btw, blah its Friday and I'm in my apartment! Homework, yay I love my life.

Emotions -Destiny's Child

Photoshoot: Marisa and me!

She calls me "Ate" :)

New Day

I feel good. I was productive today with my school work, I went to class only surviving off of a minimum amount of sleep. Enjoyed my Business Fundamentals class. You know, the people are so nice over here. This is honestly my start over point. No one knows who I am, people don't know where I came from, or anything about me. I'm actually glad, I have that opportunity to prove to myself and everyone else out there, that I have potential in this business and live a successful future. It all starts and ends with me, I'm the one who made it happen. Hard work will pay off, its not all play anymore. Get priorities straight, think about what is going to make or break you.

I was heading in the right track to turn negative into positive, I succeeded. Looking at things in a positive light is the only way I'm going to get through. I'm going to win as corny as that sounds, I won't let myself down. Never will I let myself get to my lowest point. And if ever I do, I will pick myself up and remind myself that I have so much to offer rather than not taking any action what so ever.

Blahhhh, I need more days like this, where I'm motivated and positive. And I'm planning to keep it this way.

I need help myself before anyone else. It'll help me become better with myself. I need to glue myself together with the stronger glue to keep me together. I am not getting any younger so this is the time for me to understand me and be better because I am a good person with a good heart. I know I am beautiful inside and out. But most importantly I rather be beautiful inside.

So after class, I was in need of shopping. So I did a little at Nordstroms. I felt I needed to be good to myself since I haven't been feeling myself lately. I'm going to be better to myself. Its true buying clothes make you feel good. I'm actually reading about it in my Marketing class. Well, I definitely needed something to satisfy me and put me in a good mood. This was me today, let's take the negative and throw it in the trash where it needs to be. And smile, because I can.

This is the place...

This is the place where I can vent. This is the only place I will speak the words that wander my mind. No more Tumblr, I'm done with that. This is where I will be the only one to reflect my feelings and get a better understanding of myself with the trials and errors I'm going through in my life. I'll write, I'll post things, but all in all this is one of my releases of tension of my mind. Yes I am aware of that I won't be in contact with a lot of people, but if you are an important person in my life, I'm one call away and vice versa. As you can tell I'm posting up many things already. This is just how I am when I'm feeling this certain way. I just want to shy away from the universe and show what I am capable of with my perseverance and patience.

Trying Times -Boyz II Men

Baby I'm so glad you're here
'Cause I have so many thing to tell you
So many things to talk to you about
'Cause your the strength I hold onto
And I hope I'm the strength that you hold onto
So we can strive together and be perfect
Til' death do us part


The nights gone the morning's here
And soon it's time to talk about
Where we stand and where we plan
To be in life long years I need to know
I keep crying tears of joy
I guess that's why you're put here for
To change these tears of pain
To tears of happiness


Chorus:
Through the trying times
Trying to get the best of me
I'm still finding time to show I care
With my crying eyes
I see contentment because of you


Trials and tribulations build up walls
In front of faces made of stone
Yet we stand strong enough
To break the walls down to journey on
But I know if we just bond our hearts
There will be nothing that will stand in our way
And we'll be together forever and a day

What If- 112
This is a good song, its been on repeat.
It has a good beat.

No more crying, no more feeling sad. I'm better than what I've been doing to myself lately. I just need to adjust. I left home for a reason to get a degree and have a career. Everything is happening all at once, but I need to take one thing at a time. I know I will be okay. Its not the end.

I feel as if I care too much about people. Why do I put myself in that position? I don't understand why I am the way I am. Because I'm tired of playing nice girl finishes last.

I'm just not going to take anything seriously anymore, and see how it feels

I hate the feeling of not being content.

Stop worrying about things that are not necessary. Get my head straight and focus.

Faith
Hope
Trust
Communication
Humor
Love
Optimistic


All I need right now to survive.

Do not waste time in protracted wondering " Should I or shouldn't I?” Days, weeks, months, and years may be wasted in that futile mental debating. You can never plan enough because you can never anticipate all future happenings. Always remember, God has His own plan, too for you. Value your time and do the things that need to be done. It does not matter if you fail the first time. You can learn from your mistakes and succeed the next time. Sitting back and worrying will lead to nothing. Learn from your mistakes, but do not brood over the past. DO NOT REGRET. Whatever happened was destined to happen only that way. Take it as the Will of God. You do not have the power to alter the course of God's Will. Why cry over spilt milk?

-Something that my mom sent to me.

I can't do that, I don't like it. I realize that I'm not into those kind of things. I'm just not the type of person to drink or like to see the way people act when drunk. It's weird to me what I saw and who I saw doing what. It's like disappointment but I can't say I'm a saint but with the people I never thought I see. I'm glad that I don't associate myself with drinking or smoking or whatever hell every weekend. It's not good for me, It's just not me.

Hates taking responsibility of something that was not necessary to even take responsibility of to begin with. Stupidity & Immaturity is the first and last name of this situation.

"You may feel especially lonely, overworked, and passionate today, Libra, and therefore longing for the company of your romantic partner. But responsibilities involving you both could well be keeping you apart. This could be more than frustrating - it could make you gloomy. Don't let that happen. Concentrate on your work and finish before evening. You'll see your friend then."


Oh.

Faith by Aaradhna is on repeat.