I went to church. There was no mass going on it was just me. I sat there wanting to ask God questions. I wanted him to hear me listen to what I have to say. I sat there with so many thoughts running through my head about my past, my present and my future. Thinking why do these things happen? Sometimes I feel if I was punished. I'm a humble person and it kills me that I always get stepped on. There is no median. Its either I'm a push over or a bitch nothing else. I'm a bitch being pushed over. I told Him, I know I'm not right all the time, I have my faults and I have a lot, but I never take it the wrong way. I said that He is the only one who really knows what goes through my head, He is the only one that knows everything I go through and he is the only one who understands. Sometimes I wish He was just able to tell me what I'm doing wrong sometimes, I need guidance. I need guidance right now in my life, I've been in such a drastic change in my life that I'm not used to that I still don't know how to really handle yet, but I'm getting through it. I'm trying my best to see the outcome of it. Looking at what I'm doing now is going to help me later on.

In all honesty, I haven't been genuinely happy since I got here. It's hard to wake up in the morning really just feeling miserable. Though I feel like that I have to put a smile on my face to make myself feel everything is going to be okay, when really its not. All I do is wake up, go to school, go home, sleep, eat then homework and sleep again. I have no time for myself or even to have fun. I don't have close friends here to hang out with, to talk about my day with, to actually have a real conversation with and just laugh my ass off. I haven't had that ever since I been here. I haven't had any fun. Whenever I see a family or a bunch of friends hanging out, makes me miss people I used to be so close to. I have no one close here to physically be with me just to talk. I would give anything to just have someone close just grab some coffee and talk for hours about anything. Give me a break life, sometimes I just need to breathe and smile, not fake smile, a real one. I see myself in the mirror, my face looks tired, stressed, frustrated, not like what it use to be where I would be happy right when I wake up.

I'm different now, I guess I've matured? I can't act silly anymore, I can't be myself anymore, I don't even know who myself is anymore really. I've been so caught up with everything else that surrounds my life, but never took the chance to catch up with me. Who I am is so important to me, and I seem to deteriorate everyday forgetting who I am now. i just want to reflect on what I'm here for, why the people I love, love me back, why I laugh, why I smile, reasons why I care about people, seeing that things don't always go the way you want. I have so many questions and i want them to be answered. I lose people and I gain, what matters is that I somehow made a difference in each and everyone of them. All I can do now is just let my life take me where it wants to go, who it wants me to be and before I know it I'll be happy again soon.