I'm almost homeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey :)

Stuck here at Starbucks with so many different personalities around me talking loudly, laughter all around, and Christmas songs playing I wish I could enjoy. I'm here trying to get this presentation done however my mind much rather be in another place. Distractions surround my life, I just can't wait til all those distractions turn into something I can use rather then just dwell on. My life does not consist of sadness. My life consist of content and happyness which I have lost. Yes as a person I use to be I am deteriorating into a person who I do not like at all. I've lose control of my personality, my being, and the people around me. I miss me being so energetic and just being my silly self without worrying about a single thing. I never used to be so I'm disappointed with what I've become and what I wish not to continue to be. I lost who I've been as well. I lost the person that means the most to me, is me. Yeah, I need to help myself be who I used to be, that happy outgoing girl who careless if she was a goof. I've been thinking about everything that makes my head want to explode when really I don't have to. I can't waste time being this person I transition into in such a negative way. I keep telling myself say positive, even when times are at its all time low, at least have that little light let you know everything is going to be fine if you let it be. I'll be fine eventually, please let me be me again, that's all I want.

Out of my League -Neyo

I needed new shoes, I got both of these at Urban for 100 dollars for both. Not bad, for two shoes that I definitely could use. I want to dress up more. I feel like I kind of have the need to since I'm majoring in Fashion, but what can I say I'm human and I like sweats. At the same time, I need to professionally represent myself to impress. Dress to impress, its such a true statement. Honestly, its not how much money you have or how much clothes you have in your closet, its how you wear it. Sometimes I don't feel to confident in what I wear and I know partially its because I'm uncomfortable with my body sometimes, but I know how to hide what's not cute. I shouldn't have the need to find clothes to hide things I feel is unattractive to my body. Yeah, I know I haven't really been watching my weight lately and not being healthy about myself again. I hate that I have on and off cycles, it sucks that I can't feel motivated anymore. I remember why I was so motivated before, I reached my breaking point of what was considered overweight. I remember at 150 pounds was not the business what so ever and I don't know how I even let myself get that big, I felt like a guy. It was not a cute look nor will I want to look like that again. I'm going to guess that I'm still at the weight of 135, and I need to lose 15 pounds to be my ideal weight. I know I can do it, I lost 15 pounds before, what's another 15 to it? I just need motivation again, and the thing is I did it all by myself before so I will be able to do it again. I am going to get there.

I need to get a hold of myself. My jealousy is turning into a bad habit and it needs to stop, seriously. I know I'm really not like this, but it's become apart of me now and I wanna get rid of this bad habit. I just need to stop it as much as I can to feel better. Quit it, gerlyn. Quit being so unneccesarily jealous now before it gets any worse.